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What happened in my life that required my subconscious self to create you? My voice of reason diminished in front of you.
That long torturing school year in the sixth grade?
I rested my head on the table and cried shamelessly. Tears of anger at my pathetic need of acceptance. Tears of bitterness and self loathing. In that darkness I found you. I didn’t question my sanity because anything else was better than reality. Before I could listen to what you were telling me, I heard their muffled laughter. their remarks and cruel mockery. Like wolves feasting on raw meat. Your voice whispered in my ears telling me to talk back, to stop them and end it all. Instead.
I laughed with them.
Self degradation? Disgust? Worthlessness?
It was the desperate need to fit in. To be one of them even if it meant turning into a malicious beast. I was the clown. I was at the other end of the rope. Sometimes the rope itself.
I did things I never thought I was capable of but it was essential to be invited to their parties, to be accepted as a part of the group. Even if that meant burying who I really was in exchange for what they are, and what I deeply didn’t want to be.
Your whispers turned into agonizing screams. I couldn’t handle it. Shut up and let me be! I cant help but wonder what might’ve happened if you did.
You unplugged something inside me. Something that should’ve never been plugged in the first place. It didn’t belong in me..nor anywhere near me. When I left my own body and looked at it again and flinched, I knew somewhere along the road, I strayed.
Then and there I realized that you were my voice of reason. And you saved me. Even when I didn’t deserve to be saved.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I look into the mirror and I see what I’ve always seen.
why are you here if you think you don’t care?
I gaze down instead, avoiding myself.
She appears behind me and opens my hair. I could sense a conversation initiating..
“ what color is your dress? “
I curse under my breath.
“ why do you want to know?”
“ to use the same glitter color”
“ I don’t want glitter”
“everyone wants glitter”
I close my eyes. If only I could be one of them tonight. lose the sense..lose it all..just be vain...try it. be vain be vain be vain.
My brain is frying under the heat of the hairdryer, in the process of the temporary change
Burning a thought after thought. I try to think of something to diverge the boredom but nothing.. no more thoughts..
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I move along to the other task, as if someone is holding me at gun point to do it..yet still.i know that somewhere deep inside me..i am finding this fascinating.
“ would you like to wear colored lenses? “
“ no”
“ how about lashes?”
“no”
“crystals?”
I just have to recollect the ashes of my burned thoughts because the question of the ‘why” is raised again.
beauty is a universal language. They inhale it..and breathe it again..i do the first and choke.
Sweeping the brush on my face
abstract..tick tock
On my eyes..
Main focus..tick tock
On my lips
Contrast..tick tock
I look at the shadow of the “me” in the mirror. No face, merely outlines.
I am pretty.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Take my hand..follow me..through the walls to the ceiling..why are you scared? We wont fall..logic has no place here. Trust me will you?
Now look around you. do you see it all?
Can you see the rays breaking through the massive windows?
Do you see the sparkling cities beyond?
New York? Paris? Rome? Istanbul? St. George?
Not one but all
Look around you
Can you see the stacks of books? Touch them. Feel them. Live them.
Can you smell the dazzling, fresh, roasted coffee beans?
And that typewriter. click click click. Can you hear the words? the story being written?
Why are you flinching? Afraid of heights are you? Afraid of sudden shocks? Blasting balloons? blinding darkness? Rejection? death?
What about that little girl? That silent little girl? Do you know her? Watch closely
Do you know her?
How about that raging teenager? No?
How about now. Surely you know her now..look at her..can you?
Ofcourse you do
Thursday, September 04, 2008
I feel imprisoned within my own walls. High, strong walls. Built to protect me but instead,locked me in. Voices echo more loudly with each new brick..
Deafening me.
Frustrating me
Poisoning me..
but then they are my own.
Why cant they be released to the universe?
I know they would cause a difference if they could.. but why cant they?
My brain screams as if the thoughts are chained by will..
again ..my own.
Confidence they say.
Or the lack of one..
But. Its the tongue that rejects the command not the mind.
Numbness is its norm
I stand up....an act of self-assurance..they say
it all dissipate when the tongue decides to act.
Senseless..thats what I become..the fault of a society I didn’t choose..
The sin of a culture shoved into my existence against my will.
Powerless..thats what they teach me to be..
“not acceptable”
they draw the line..they cross it but they forbid me to follow..its created to stop me..to erase every sense of individuality that reside in me..its created to push me back violently. to make me fall hard..to make me hurt deep..
to “protect” me they claim.
But broken pieces can’t be protected
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
It was beyond her imagination. Her wildest dreams. Beyond any expectation she held true. A moment. Not even a moment. A second...a small portion of the second. That what stood between her, and her dream.
The determination. The difference. The victory. But how?
She jumped into the water with only one thought in her head “ Im going to win.” Full stop.
Her inner beasts were put to sleep. Perhaps for the moment. Perhaps forever.
Nothing mattered.
What she gave up for that moment.
Friendship.
Family.
Time.
and herself
Either gold..or nothing
nothing?
One beast started to awaken, but she hushed it before it contained her.
A little more, a little more
Just a little more.
TOUCH!
Did I win? Did I win? Am I the first? Am I..am I? am i?
No.
By a millisecond, one thousandth of a second
Like a solid roof crashed by thunder..
Her dream shattered. and she broke.