Beauty Seen is Never Lost

What happened in my life that required my subconscious self to create you? My voice of reason diminished in front of you.
That long torturing school year in the sixth grade?
I rested my head on the table and cried shamelessly. Tears of anger at my pathetic need of acceptance. Tears of bitterness and self loathing. In that darkness I found you. I didn’t question my sanity because anything else was better than reality. Before I could listen to what you were telling me, I heard their muffled laughter. their remarks and cruel mockery. Like wolves feasting on raw meat. Your voice whispered in my ears telling me to talk back, to stop them and end it all. Instead.
I laughed with them.
Self degradation? Disgust? Worthlessness?
It was the desperate need to fit in. To be one of them even if it meant turning into a malicious beast. I was the clown. I was at the other end of the rope. Sometimes the rope itself.
I did things I never thought I was capable of but it was essential to be invited to their parties, to be accepted as a part of the group. Even if that meant burying who I really was in exchange for what they are, and what I deeply didn’t want to be.
Your whispers turned into agonizing screams. I couldn’t handle it. Shut up and let me be! I cant help but wonder what might’ve happened if you did.
You unplugged something inside me. Something that should’ve never been plugged in the first place. It didn’t belong in me..nor anywhere near me. When I left my own body and looked at it again and flinched, I knew somewhere along the road, I strayed.
Then and there I realized that you were my voice of reason. And you saved me. Even when I didn’t deserve to be saved.

Posted by Diddlina at 4:36 PM